I've quite possibly done irreparable harm to my relationship.

I want to say that I've overreacted and I was irrational. But the truth is, I really dont think that I was. And that is what breaks my heart more than anything.

He didnt even care. And everything in me is screaming "BREAK UP WITH HIM"... but I cant. I'm afraid that if I break up with him, he wont try to get me back. I'm afraid that deep down, he wont really care. I mean, if he wont even call me to find out why I'm so upset, what reason is there to believe that he'll even be affected by our breaking up?

I keep thinking of this one line in Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason, where Bridget and Mark get into this fight, and she's on the brink of breaking up with him, and he does nothing. He sits there like an ass, and she says "You see, you can never muster the strength, to fight for me." And I think to myself, wow. That sounds familiar.

And its not only that he probably wouldnt care. I dont know what I'd do, or what I'd be, if we werent together. God, I love this guy. I love him so much. And it all feels so... one-sided. Like now, I'm the one angry, and yet I'm the one fighting myself to keep from calling him. He's probably sleeping. Or watching TV.

Ever since he started working for his dad, we never see each other. I see him once a week. And we only talk really late at night, when he's done with work. Everything is on his schedule, and while I am sorry that he's always so tired, its starting to annoy me how much he complains. We hardly ever see each other or talk, and when we do, he just complains my ears off. "I'm so fucking tired, I dont feel good, My feet hurt, I have a splitting headache" And I feel bad, because he works so hard and for so long, but I just think this whole relationship is about him. His schedule, his feelings... I have to work to be in his life. But when people are in love, shouldnt the other person be a main priority? Not just an obligation that they fill ONCE A WEEK?

I've cried more in the months that we've been together than I have, probably in my entire life. I didnt cry over any of my other boyfriends. Not even Stotle. But Greg... I love him, but he keeps.. letting me down. He doesnt call when he says he will, he's always late, he says 2 seconds and comes in like an hour, and today, we were supposed to hang out. Well, first we were supposed to go to dinner, but he slept through that, and called me at like 6 30.. and ended up talking until fucking 8, then saying "well I'm gonna go take a shower and get something to eat.. Want me to call you before I go to bed and we'll talk for a little bit?" No where in that conversation did he say "By the way, I dont feel like hanging out tonight", although even if he did, I would have been pissed anyway. Because you dont just blow someone off. Especially not someone you supposedly love... He's supposed to want to be with me all the time... but he didnt feel like doing anything. Like hanging out with me puts him out SO much.

And it hurt. It hurt really bad.

Currently Listening In My Own Words By Ne-Yo When You're Mad see related

So...Long time, no write.

I dont know why I havent been updating this. Lord knows, I've had the time. But honestly, I've been really happy lately. And I havent felt like I need to justify my happiness with an online journal.

I guess it's easier to write when you're unhappy. Because misery loves company, and unhappy people want everyone to know they're unhappy. But what about the happy ones? No one wants to read about how someone's in love, and their life is perfect. And personally, I dont even want to write about it. Cause I'm living it, and its good enough for me.

So, here's a brief summary of the past month and then some:

My boyfriend is wonderful. I'm more in love with him than ever, and things are going really well for us.

My best friends are doing great - Amanda had the baby, Alexis, Brittany and Nate are together now and I havent seen her this happy in I dont know how long, Simone and Shelbi are going strong, and Simone and her mom are working out their problems. I'm really happy for her, because for awhile there, things werent going so well. Nathan got a car, and is working on his license, and Ashley's getting her friends back.

I got a job. I am now a Customer Service Associate at Staples. Never thought I'd be there, but hey. I dont mind.

As for college, I dont really know. I'm seriously considering doing a year at SC4. I dont think I'm ready for OU. & I've been thinking lately that its not the best place for me. I think I just need to clear my head, and not make any major changes in my life right now. Plus, I'm so burned out on school. I'd just like to take it easy for a year. But I know that if I do, everyone will think I'm chickening out. Not to mention, Ashley wants to Jeep next year, and if I stay, she cant have it. And I'd hate to do that to her... So I'll just have to think on it.

2 days til Prom, and less than 2 weeks til Commencement. Not that excited, but maybe as it nears.
Prom will blow though. Greg is insisting on drinking before, and that makes me a little mad. I mean, I know he's 20 and past all the high school bs, but its my prom, y'know? You'd think he'd just suck it up to make me happy, but no. So we'll see. My dress is gorgeous though.

Currently Reading Plum Lovin' (A Stephanie Plum Novel) By Janet Evanovich see related

Havent written in awhile.

So. What's been goin' on? Went to Lakeside Mall on Wednesday. Traffic was horrible, weather was crap, mall was dead. Kind of a bust, but I had fun with the RKC.

Friday was 4 months for G-reg and I. Went to see "Blades of Glory" and then to dinner at Garfields. The food was crap and a half, but still. I stayed the night at Greg's house - had a bit to drink, but not much. Ever since I got sick, I cant stomach the stuff. Anyway. It was odd. It felt kind of like he didnt want me anymore. He slept with his back to me all night - He said he has to lay on that side to sleep. But come on. So I got up early and slept on the couch. And when he woke up, he was talking to me like I was, I dunno, Cody or someone, and pretty much couldnt wait to take me home (It was like 11am). So I dunno what's up there. I called him later, like he asked me to, cause I was leaving for the night, and he just sounded really bored to be talking to me. So I cut the conversation short, and he asked me to call later if I could. So I did, but he was drinking with his friends, and sounded pissed that I called.

I dont know what's going on. He says he loves me, but now it just sounds like routine. Like, if he can tell I'm getting pissy or if he thinks something's wrong, he'll say "I love you" but it doesnt sound like anything but words. It's a bit depressing, and also, aggravating. Every time he does it, I want to rip his fucking head off. That's bad, right? That has to be bad.

Y'know, for like a week, I thought mom was gonna force me to stay in PH and go to SC4. And I was crying every day. Greg didnt know that, cause I dont tell him (He doesnt need to know if I'm crying), but I did tell him about the whole SC4 thing. and he was actually happy about it. He said "Oh, that sucks. Oh I'm sorry. You're mom shouldnt do that" but what he meant was "Hallelujah, she's not leaving me". All he cared about was himself - Never mind that I've wanted to leave Port Huron my entire life, and the thought of staying here makes it hard for me to breathe.

I dont know, I guess I'm just frustrated. Since I didnt call mom and let her know what I was doing on Friday, she took my driving privileges away. I dont know how long, probably not THAT long, but still. I'm a bit stir-crazy. And I hung out with Kelsey yesterday, and promptly realized exactly why I never hang out with her. It was a bit fun, but she's SUCH a drama queen, and she lies a lot. So we had to drink to be able to stand each other, and we watched a billion years worth of Sex & the City. Then she started complaining about how horny she was, and called Tom like 10 times to ask when they could have sex (He's in Missouri cause his car broke down). Then when he said Friday or Saturday, she decided to get all frisky with me. Not like naked kind, I think she was just kidding. But maybe not.

Anyway, I couldnt wait to come home. I went out to G*Ma's cause my aunts were out there (Auntie Em and Aunt Cheryl), and we had fun. I really love my family, they're so funny. I wish I could see them more often. I'll probably see Cara and Aunt Stella a lot next year, cause they live right by Oakland, but I cant stand Stella, and Cara and I dont really talk. So boo. But I wish I could see Cheryl more. She's always so happy. I dunno how she does it.

I'm almost never happy.

Currently Listening Unwritten By Natasha Bedingfield Unwritten. Cheesy! see related

They tried to kick me off the kid's table today. And it hit me - I'm 18.

I'm an adult. In a few short months, I'm gonna be on my own. I cant depend on my mom anymore.

In a way, it's exciting. I mean, I've been pretty much independent my whole life, so this is what I've been waiting for. But it's also a little bit unnerving. I dont know how I'll do on my own. What if I go broke, or fail, or end up back in PH with my tail between my legs? That would be awful.

But I guess I'm more excited than scared. Did I mention I'm going to OU? I think I'll be good there. Its only an hour away, so I can come home more often and see my family, and, of course, Greg. I'll miss him so much. But we'll do fine. Yep. We always do.

AND I wont be far from the RKC. 2 and a half hours from each of them.

So, really, I think next year is gonna be great. Things will change, that's for sure, but my fabulous-ness will follow me wherever I go.